U.S. — Though some recent data has indicated large percentages of voters are breaking toward former President Donald Trump, new polls show President Joe Biden still has a sizeable lead among people who will be counting the ballots.

Despite continuing to build what at times has appeared to be a massive lead, Trump reportedly still struggles to make gains among the small number of people who are in charge of counting votes in November.

"For whatever reason, he just can't seem to gain traction with people counting the ballots," said political analyst Blake Rumsey of the Institute of Collecting Information. "Even though he has made significant gains among multiple demographics and voting blocks, our polling of people who count the votes shows Biden still holding an obvious lead. Honestly, I don't even know if it's possible for Trump to win that group. They seem pretty devout."

When reached for comment regarding the new poll results, one ballot counter confirmed the data's accuracy. "Yeah, we're all pretty much in the tank for Biden," said the vote counter who requested to have his identity kept anonymous. "I would think that would have been pretty obvious with the way things went in 2020, but yeah. As one of the many hardcore leftists placed specifically in this position to influence the outcomes of elections, I can say confidently that I am voting for Joe Biden. And my vote means a lot, if you get what I mean. We make up the winner. That's what I mean."

At publishing time, the Biden campaign had put in a request to have the Federal Election Commission hire several million undocumented migrants to serve as extra ballot counters in November.

Democrats always accuse their enemies of what they themselves are guilty of, right out of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules For Radicals.” Democrats have been beating the “Trump is a danger to Democracy” drum because it is all they have in their war chest with Biden as their candidate. It is actually the Democrats that are the real threat to freedom of speech, the 2nd Amendment, and our constitutional republic as a whole.

DAVOS — Members and invited attendees of this week's World Economic Forum's annual summit in Davos, Switzerland capped off yet another monumental event with the traditional virgin sacrifice to weather gods to prevent climate change.

The closing ceremony, complete with dancing natives and the chanting of ancient incantations, was met with a combination of reverence and celebration as the WEF's gathering of global powerbrokers offered up yet another young virgin to appease the climate gods.

"May the blood of this young woman grant us favor in your eyes!" shouted WEF Founder and Executive Chairman Klaus Schwab as the young woman ritualistically met her end. "Accept her soul as payment for our great sins against our planet and bless us with a year full of bountiful crickets and abundant mealworms. May the fate of a large percentage of humanity be the same as this virgin."

"It wouldn't be a WEF event without someone being sacrificed to the gods," said one proud attendee. "Praise be to Klaus Schwab and the deities who thirst for peasant blood."

At publishing time, following the conclusion of the sacrifice, attendees departed with their WEF gift bags full of fudge, body lotion, and detailed instructions on the roles they would each play in the further degradation of Western Civilization. Babylon Bee reporting.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard President Claudine Gay is facing new plagiarism allegations, following accusations earlier this week that she had plagiarized portions of her 1997 Ph.D. dissertation and three other published works. Investigators now suspect Gay's novel Larry Potter and the Sorcerer's Rock may have also been plagiarized.

"To the layperson's eye, Larry Potter may just seem like an original book about a boy with a scar on his cheek who is whisked away to Dogwarts School for Warlocks," said lead investigator Pam Smithers, "But subtle clues suggest she may have taken some ideas from another, yet-to-be-disclosed author."

In response to allegations of plagiarism, President Gay issued the following statement, "The beloved characters Larry Potter, Donald Measley, and Hermanette Goonger came from my own, brilliant, black, and gay mind. Additionally, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

At publishing time, investigators had stumbled upon a new discovery during a routine search of Gay's home: a copy of the Bible having the cover inscribed with "by Claudine Gay."

U.S. — Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."

ALPHARETTA, GA — Americans are still reeling this morning after the shocking murder of California Governor Gavin Newsom was captured live on air and broadcast to millions of viewers.

"I'm still shaking," said one local observer. "He was just there one moment... and in the next moment, he was brutally eviscerated. Torn to pieces. Murdered. I'll never be able to shake those horrific images from my memory."

Fox News was roundly criticized for airing the disturbing footage completely uncensored to shocked viewers.

"Kids shouldn't be allowed to see such things," said one concerned mother whose child walked into the living room while the incident was playing on live television. "My 5-year-old will be scarred for life. He may need counseling. How could Fox News do this?"

Authorities are still searching for three accomplices they say are persons of interest in the cold-blooded slaughter of California's Governor. Alpharetta's police chief named the three at-large suspects as Sean Hannity, Ron DeSantis, and a paper map of all the human poop covering San Francisco's sidewalks.

At publishing time, authorities confirmed the suspects are still on the loose and should be considered extremely dangerous. Babylon Bee reporting, December 1, 2023

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