HOW OBAMA PLANS TO GET THE WOMEN’S VOTE BACK

News item:  New York Post, December 27, 2013:  Women Comprise Biggest Opposition to Obamacare

OBAMA: That’s impossible. I’m polling below zero?

WHITE HOUSE POLLSTER: I’ve never seen anything like it, sir. The "negative numbers" poll hypothesis was discarded a generation ago. The only explanation is that even the imaginary voters we regularly survey to boost your ratings are down on you.

OBAMA: Intolerable. I want my blocs back. Women–my women!– have slip-slided away. HHS?

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: We’re paying for abortions now, Mr. President. Regain women’s loyalty by paying them to have abortions, say $500 per protoplasmic blob.  And think of the benefits to humanity of all the fetal stem cells we’d harvest.

OBAMA: Make it so. George?

SOROS: Giff generous bonus for twins und triplets, zir.

OBAMA: Excellent! New fertility and abortion clinics will spring up all over the country to cash in, meaning an uptick in the next year’s jobs reports.

JOE BIDEN: Good, Boss, but not enough. How ’bout we offer every female of childbearin’ age–say 18 to 45–a government job?

OBAMA: Doing what?

BIDEN: Maybe 50 million women take us up on it. Half of ’em probably have kids. We hire them to mentor the other 25 million who’ll have their own kids down the road. 

OBAMA: Why are we hiring the mentorees?

BIDEN: To be the government’s eyes and ears in the upbringing of the next generation of voters. Gotta plan ahead, Chief.

OBAMA: You’re a devil, Joe. Okay, now, what can we offer senior females to bring them back into the fold?

VALERIE JARRETT: Millions of women are trapped in long and unhappy marriages, Barack. Incentives to break the ties that bind would earn you their gratitude.

OBAMA: Eric?

HOLDER: I’ll issue new federal guidelines to divorce courts across the country: in brief, the female always gets the house, the car, the dog, and 100% of the assets. The guy gets bupkis.

MICHELLE: Don’t even think of telling Eric to write in an exemption for former presidents. You hear me, Barack?

Steve Grammatico is the author of You Hear Me, Barack?