TIME FOR HAPPINESS

Time is a continuous, objectively measurable forward movement. We measure it with the rising and setting of the sun, the orbit of the earth about the sun, and the tilt of her axis relative to that sun as we make our way about it, giving us the changing seasons.

While the mechanics of time in a basic way are well understood, our experience of time and our relationship to time is complex, and can hold the key to our experience of life itself.

Our son, Jesse, when he was about four years old said, "You know, kids are like timekeepers, for adults; because when we’re grown up, you guys are going to be really old." Now that our kids are getting close to grown up, we certainly are older, but I don’t feel old.

I feel as though I should look in the mirror and see somebody who’s maybe in his late twenties or early thirties. But instead I see a 53 year old man with much less hair and most of it gray. That is a strange thing. Friends in their 80s tell me my strange feeling is nothing compared to when you get to be their age.

That sort of relationship and experience of time as we grow older is fairly universal. I have heard similar comments from countless people over the years. But we have another relationship with time and our life that is very personal, and over which we have a good deal of control, which can change our experience of life and our level of happiness dramatically.

Phil Zimbardo, Professor Emeritus of Stanford and author of "The Time Cure," (famous also for the Stanford Prison Experiment, a classic study in our susceptibility to the abuse of power), describes 6 different time orientations:

–          past-positive – you’re happy about the past events of your life, focusing on the positive
–          past-negative – you regret, dwell on and exaggerate the painful events of your past
–          present hedonism – you enjoy and seek pleasure in the present
–          present fatalism – you’re passive about the present, feeling that events are not in your control
–          goal-oriented future – make plans and seek to actively accomplish things to better your life
–          transcendental future – you seek to be good in this life seeking to be rewarded after death

Our happiness is dependent to a large degree on our relationship to these 6 different time orientations (you can take the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory here).

A high level of past negative and present fatalism will lead to the worst experience. As Zimbardo says, "These people are living in a negative past and think nothing they do can change it." This is the orientation that is common with severe depression and trauma. The good news is that we can change this orientation, and doing so can have a tremendous positive effect on those symptoms.

I have written often about the negative effects of ruminating on the past, and the harm that can come of spending time on an archeological dig searching for past painful events. Instead, I recommend going on a treasure hunt, searching for the people, events, and opportunities about which you can feel grateful; and the successes and triumphs that you’ve enjoyed.

Zimbardo would agree. Our relationship to our past has a huge effect on our experience of life, and our expectations of the future. It is also a high leverage point for changing our experience, because while the past has already happened, and there is no going back in a time machine to change it, it is what we choose to remember and the meaning that we make of our past that affects us the most.

Our memory of the actual events of the past as they unfolded objectively is extremely unreliable. Rather, we remember very selectively, according to habit and expectation, and we tend to imbue those events with meanings that may or may not have been accurate.

A therapist friend of mine years ago had a memory that he went back to – over and over and over – of when his father was dying, and, as a young boy, he came into the room, and his father said, "Get him out of here!"  My friend took this to mean that his father hated him, and didn’t want to see him.

I can see how that could be his interpretation, especially as a young, frightened and confused boy in such a situation. But was that really what his father was intending? Might he have wanted to protect his son from seeing something awful? Or might he have not wanted his son to remember him in another way? Perhaps his anger was at the adults who allowed his son to come in?

We don’t have any way of knowing, of course. And neither did my friend. Yet as an adult he chose to hold on and wallow in the worst possible interpretation of that event, and in many ways that interpretation defined his self-concept. The truth is it was his interpretation more than the event itself that was hurting him.

We know this because when people change their interpretation of such things, their experience also changes, and they generally feel happier, stronger, and more resilient than they did when they were holding on to the negative meaning.

The prescription for a negatively experienced past is twofold: search for the positive experiences that you haven’t appreciated, and seek to reframe the negative ones.

For my friend that would mean searching for the other, positive memories with his father, and then acknowledging that he has no idea what his father meant by his dying exclamation, so he might as well choose one that made more sense and was more congruent with his other positive experiences – or perhaps better yet, acknowledge that because he doesn’t know, he can just let go of any conclusion whatsoever, allow that memory to take its proper place in history.

If you don’t know, why pretend that you know that the worst was accurate? It’s likely that it was just how it hit you at the time. Why should you maintain a hurtful meaning of an event, when you don’t know the truth of what was intended?

Yet we do this all the time, holding on to our impression in the moment as though it holds knowledge of the truth – and allowing that interpretation to color our entire history, and to greatly influence our present and future.

I dwell on the past here myself because there is so much that we can do with it. But our relation to the present and future are important, too.

We want to avoid present fatalism; the thought that there’s nothing you can do about events is a helpless stance, and that is a recipe for depression and anxiety. Though don’t want to have our total focus in life on momentary pleasures (there’s a future to think of, too, you know), a degree of pleasure and enjoyment in the present is very important.

That is where we live, after all! The present is where we enjoy the company of family and friends, the beauty of a sunrise, the delight of a moment, or the thrill of a triumph.

As to the future, regardless of your faith, it is important to have goals that we aim for. Making plans for the future that we can look forward to and work towards keeps us in an active, purposeful stance toward life, and that is what propels us forward, creating movement, direction and meaning.

A positive relationship with our past, and an active, engaged relationship with our present and future are what make for a happier life. Search for the positive treasures of the past, savor the love and joy in the present, and plan well for the future. These are the keys to time well spent.

For the next week I am offering Life Coaching packages at a lower rate: $1,250 for 11 hours, $600 for 5 hours, only for my readers at TTP and on my personal list. These rates will be about $200 higher after that. If you’ve been considering working with me, now’s the time to lock in these rates! Just click here to sign up today!