A MARRIAGE IS A TEAM

Someone the other day asked me what I do, and I told them that I’m a Marriage Counselor, as well as a Life Coach. They asked an interesting question: "Is a happy marriage about compromise?"

On the surface, I’d say yes, compromise is certainly part of two different people sharing a life together. You can’t do everything you want whenever you want it, etc.

But looking at this question a little more closely, I’d have to say an emphatic, "no." Compromise is not really the key. Compromise is when one person wants a room painted yellow, the other wants it painted blue, and so you compromise and get green. Compromise is sometimes win/win, sometimes not. There are certainly times when you have to compromise, but that isn’t the driving force of a great relationship.

What is the driving force of a great relationship? A winning premise; a conception of what your relationship is all about that includes a shared vision of the two of you together.

A great relationship is founded on the premise that you and your mate are allies; that you are a team together.

Imagine you’re on a great basketball team, you have the ball, and you’re on a fast break down the court. You see your teammate up ahead with a great position, so you pass him the ball so that he can shoot. You could have taken the ball all the way down the court and taken the shot yourself, but you passed it to your teammate.

Is that a compromise?

Of course not. As a team, you are working toward the same goal: you want to win the game. To win the game you have to play together as effectively as you possibly can. You have to know your teammates extremely well. You have to pay attention to where they are and what they’re doing. You have to be focused on the goal, and committed to playing together at the highest level possible.

There is no compromise in any of this. There is nothing so disappointing in a sports team as a bunch of phenomenal players who each think that they are the star, and whose focus is primarily on their own personal glory.

You can’t win like that. I’ve played on a team or two like that, and it’s a drag.

Paying attention to details, to the everyday small things that affect your team is also important.

The great UCLA basketball coach, John Wooden (10 national championships in 12 years) at the start of each season, would take the time to demonstrate to his players precisely how to put on their socks: "Carefully roll the socks down over the toes, ball of the foot, arch and around the heel, then pull the sock up snug so there will be no wrinkles of any kind."

Why spend time on such details? Because if you put your socks on wrong, you might get a blister, which could lead to other physical problems that could limit your best performance, which could affect the whole team’s success.

There is nothing so disheartening as allowing something simple to blow a great potential.

To win as a team is for everybody to see himself as part of that team, and to think in terms of the team’s success and glory. The level of commitment to achieve this is total. It can’t be 99%. You can’t have part of you thinking, "Gosh, maybe I don’t want to be doing this, maybe there could be another option…"

The difference between a 99% commitment and a 100% commitment is huge. A lot of athletes don’t understand this.

Unfortunately very few couples understand this, either.

In a marriage, when you commit to getting to know your wife or husband extremely well, to knowing what matters to her or him, what their dreams and hopes are what their vision is for your marriage, you are getting to know your teammate. You will come to understand how he or she responds to different kinds of communication, how to ask for what you want in ways that he or she is likely to hear, the different moods and events and timings of activities that work and don’t work.

This is something that you both need to do as allies with the same vision.

When the two of you spend time together clarifying and refining your vision for your life together, you’re setting the stage for success toward that vision. You are defining the shared direction that you both want to head toward.

This will be a different direction than you would be heading if you were single. Alone, you would of course have a different vision. But you also could not create the same kind of life as you can together. It might be a great life, but it would be a different kind of life.

Just imagine one superstar basketball player facing off against a full squad of players. He couldn’t do much, because that game is about the relationship between great players.

A marriage is about the relationship between two great people.

And the details matter. A great marriage is not built through a romantic encounter every once in awhile, it’s built through the daily moments of connection; how you treat each other every day.

I’ve described many small habits that can help a relationship: Responding immediately to a request for attention; responding positively and asking a couple of questions in response to good news, asking about each other’s day, and just paying attention to each other.

But the foundation for all of these behaviors is a deep commitment to one another, to your relationship, and to building your relationship as teammates, as allies, as two people working together to create something wonderful.

I’ve spoken about the importance of owning your life, of committing to take responsibility for your life. This is the same principle applied to your relationship.

If you’re having some troubles in your marriage, or if you want to make your good marriage better, take some time to examine the premise that the two of you share about your marriage. You may find that you don’t share the same premise – which can cause trouble in itself.

Look at your premise. Does it include the commitment to join together as allies? Does it include taking whatever troubles you have between you and facing those troubles together as a team?

If not, there’s some good news, because there is a lot of leverage to be had in making that commitment. Approach your marriage as teammates, and you’ll create something together that you never could have created on your own.

Join me for an exciting new Mastering Happiness Teleclass!

In this class you will learn practical, effective tools for setting fresh and inspiring goals that will take us toward a more meaningful and satisfying life – not imaginary, wishful thinking, but real, down to earth skills for mastering your own habits, and your own happiness.

Teleclass 1 will give you the groundwork and tools to put the material to great use

Teleclass 2 will show you how to make the most of your relationships – not just romantic relationships, but friendships, work relationships, even casual acquaintances

Teleclass 3 will cover what it takes to be successful

Teleclass 4 will show you how to apply all that you’ve learned effectively and consistently over time

Cost is $395. The class will be interactive, with homework and handouts to supplement the learning and takeaways. 

The teleclass will be taped and available for the class if there is an absence.

Class is limited to fifteen participants. The 90-minute teleclass will be held on four consecutive weeks:

MAY TUESDAY EVENING CLASSES

• Tuesday, May 7 at 5 pm PST/8 pm EST
• Tuesday, May 14 at 5 pm PST/8 pm EST
• Tuesday, May 21 at 5 pm PST/8 pm EST
• Tuesday, May 28 at 5 pm PST/8 pm EST

"As a result of taking your class I have gained deeper insight into the complexities of ordinary experiences and how my approach to them can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling life."

"I found Dr. Joel Wade’s Mastering Happiness teleclass very informative and enlightening.  He weaves together both explanations of behaviors & tools that can be used to change those behaviors.  When understood, they can eventually enhance our relationships. Goal setting & understanding the inner process one must address in order to achieve that goal was another area that has impacted my life.  If you want better direction and contentment; take his class!"