CHANNEL THE FLOW OF YOUR EMOTIONS

Emotions have a very liquid quality; they move, they flow, they take on the form of their container. Like water in a stream, when they are in active motion they have a clear purpose and direction; when they get stuck they can become stagnant and even putrid.

Ignoring negative feelings doesn’t make them go away, it just makes us unaware of them; but dwelling on negative feelings after they have already served their purpose can keep us stuck in them, stagnant in emotions that should have long since run downstream.

Every emotion has a function. Anger is a response to trespass; when somebody crosses a line or a boundary, we get angry in response, and that anger provides us with the energy and motivation to get them to stop. Fear is a signal that there is danger, and it narrows our focus on that danger, and can give us the incentive and energy to escape that danger. Grief is a response to loss and it can allow us to feel and mourn the loss, and to appreciate what we had.

Our emotions are not always accurate, though. Sometimes we feel angry because we’ve misunderstood something that somebody else was doing or intending. If I think that somebody is going to cross a line, I may feel angry, even when they don’t cross that line, and have no intention of crossing that line. I may feel afraid when there is actually no danger at all.

That’s why it’s important not to trust your feelings as infallible guides, but to always seek to integrate them with our thinking and with what’s really true.

Still, when we feel emotions like this, they are often telling us important information in that moment. But once that moment passes, if you have responded appropriately to whatever inspired those feelings, then they have done their job and can dissipate – like water flowing in a clear running stream.

If somebody is doing something that crosses a line for you, and you tell them to stop, and they stop, then you don’t have to feel angry anymore. If you tell that person to stop and they don’t stop, then you’ll likely feel angrier; if you use that energy to be more assertive in getting them to stop, and they stop, then you don’t have to feel angry anymore.

If you don’t – or aren’t able to – use your anger to get them to stop, and you allow them to cross that line or boundary even though it’s really not okay with you that they do, you will likely still feel angry afterwards. Instead of using your anger to respect your boundaries, you may end up feeling a kind of passive anger, a fuming sort of anger that has no function except to keep you focused on an echo of a past event, and your own ineffective feelings about that event.

This then becomes a stagnant emotion, a still pocket of feelings that go nowhere and serve only to keep us passive and unhappy.

I talk about happiness a lot; it’s my business. But happiness does not come from simply pretending to be happy all the time, or forcing ourselves to think happy thoughts when what’s going on is not something that we’re actually happy about.

When we allow ourselves the full range of our feelings – feeling angry at trespass, fear at danger, grief at loss; and joy, love, and expansiveness of course when good things are happening – we are happier than when we try to just "be happy" all the time. A study by Tamir Ford of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem has confirmed this, but if you understand that emotions serve a purpose, it makes perfect common sense as well.

Life is complex. People are complex. When people get together, that complexity multiplies. If you are looking for a conflict-free, perfectly joyous experience all the time, you’re probably setting yourself up to ignore some important emotions, and the important information those emotions are trying to tell you. If you are habitually trying to pretend that you’re happy when in fact you are not, you are depriving yourself of the information and awareness you need to deal effectively with your life.

Pretense is not the way to living a happy life. Feel your emotions, and use your mind to understand and direct them effectively; ride the wave of your emotions like a skilled surfer, and aim yourself toward the best resolution of the situation. This is not an automatic process, it takes thought, it takes practice, it takes consciousness and self-discipline to identify what you’re feeling, and to decide how best to use that information.

If we were animals, like a bobcat or a raccoon, we wouldn’t have to think about any of this; if another animal crossed a boundary, we’d feel angry, fight with the other animal, and be done with it. But dealing with emotions is so much more complex for us, because of this wonderful mind that we have. Because of our complex minds, we have to learn how to deal with our feelings.

If I were to map out a (very) simple formula to play with, it would be something like this:

– Notice what you’re feeling, even if – especially if – you don’t like what you’re feeling.
Seek to be aware of what that feeling is in response to – is it a thought that you’re having about a situation? Is it something somebody else has done that is troubling or delighting you? Is there some action that you need to take that the feeling is alerting you to?

– If the feeling is in response to a thought, a memory, an idea that you have about something or somebody, remind yourself that this is a feeling you are creating within yourself, and that it may have no bearing on reality.

– If the feeling is in response to an actual event that is happening now, and you assess with your mind that you need to take some action to deal with that event (and that action is ethical, legal, and within your values), then take that action. If you need to tell somebody to stop, tell them; if you need to tell somebody how grateful you are to them, or delighted you are with them, tell them.

– If you’re feeling things about events that have already passed, and there is no action to take, and you have learned what you need to learn from the experience, and they are feelings that are not pleasant, then there’s probably no good reason or purpose to dwelling on those feelings. They have now become feelings in response to your own thoughts; feelings that you are perpetuating or creating within yourself. If they are negative, if you are suffering by feeling them, let them go.

– If you have positive feelings thinking about the people you love, events that feel good to think about, or ideas that you have, indulge those freely – so long as you’re also dealing with what you have to deal with in the real world. Daydreaming about these things in your living room is fine, daydreaming about these things while walking through a dangerous neighborhood or while operating heavy machinery is probably not such a good idea.

Your emotions are there for a reason, but as human beings, our emotions require us also to think, to master the integration of our feelings, thoughts, values, and actions. This doesn’t happen automatically; it can take some work. For some of us it takes more work than for others; but dealing effectively with our emotions – all of our emotions – is fundamental to living a happy and successful life.

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