WHAT IS THE REPUTATION YOU’D LIKE TO EARN WITH YOURSELF?

When you get to know people, you are, in part, building a reputation with each other. "What kind of person is he?" "How does she handle a difficult situation?" "What kind of attitude does he bring to his work?" "How does she respond to confrontation or adversity?"

Over time, we learn whether a given person is honest, whether they can be relied upon, how playful they are, to what degree their actions reflect what they say. We get a sense of their style, their likes, and their dislikes.

There are multitudes of small interactions that give us information about a person’s character and personality, values and integrity. Over time we come to decide whether this is the kind of person we want to spend time with; whether we like how we feel when we’re with them.

And they learn and make decisions about us.

Part of what we do in this back and forth of getting to know each other is determining whose feedback matters to us. A lecture on honesty from a dishonest person, or on manners from a rude person, is not worth listening to – unless they are a formerly dishonest or rude person who has learned something important from their past.

Here is a piece that is often missing: We watch ourselves just like we watch others, and we develop a reputation with ourselves accordingly.

This is the essence of earned self-esteem.

What kind of a person are you, in your own assessment? Do you have values, goals, and priorities? And do you act in accordance with those values, goals, and priorities? Are you the kind of person you would like to be? And if not, what are the barriers to becoming the kind of person you would like to be?

I don’t mean do you have what you would like to have. You may or may not have any say in the end product. I may want to have a billion dollars, but I may not ever earn a billion dollars, even if I apply myself fully to the task

I mean are you a person who lives according to your values, goals and priorities? Are you doing what a person you would like to be would do? Or do you spend much of your time and energy going in another direction?

I’m not talking about perfection here. We all make mistakes, we all can take the wrong road; but if you often spend time and energy in ways that run counter to your highest values, goals, and priorities, and you refuse to see it or learn from it, your reputation with yourself will suffer.

To the degree you are doing what a person you would like to be would do, your reputation with yourself will improve.

But another question to ask is this: is your assessment of yourself accurate?

I have written about Carol Dweck’s work with mindsets. A fixed trait mindset is one that looks to relatively unchangeable qualities such as intelligence or talent, whereas a growth mindset is one that looks to actions. A fixed trait mindset does not allow for change or growth, so a poor assessment can be devastating, and is usually avoided at all costs. A growth mindset, in contrast, focuses on actions; so a poor assessment means primarily that there is work to be done.

Why this is relevant here is that if you know that who you are, what you do, and how you think about things, is changeable and accessible to your own intervention and effort – a growth mindset – your assessment of yourself will also tend to be very accurate. The necessary self-reflection will not be threatening to you; it contains a treasure: the information with which you seek to improve.

Our own self-reflection has a huge impact on our behavior, as I showed in Virtue’s Reflection.

In contrast, if you believe that who you are, what you do, and how you think about things is fixed and unchangeable – a fixed trait mindset – you will then believe that you are at the mercy of forces outside of yourself, and your assessment of yourself will be predictably and dramatically inaccurate.

In order to make accurate assessments, you have to have accurate data. If you are faced with a poor assessment, and your belief is that you are powerless to change, then the only way to salvage any emotional hope is to skew the data, to trick yourself into discounting it. In this case, the necessary self-reflection will feel threatening to you, containing blows to your self-concept, rather than useful information.

This can lead to incredible suffering, bad results, and can lead you to avoid challenges or difficult feedback – the very things you need to grow. This is how prisoners can end up with high self-esteem – they feel great about themselves, because their assessment is not based on reality.

Here’s the challenge: notice how you respond to feedback. Do you tend to reject negative feedback, become defensive, change the subject? Or do you hear it, feel the predictable emotions (nobody likes negative feedback; I wouldn’t expect you to feel happy about it), and look for what there is to learn from it?

Of course, the way the feedback is delivered can make a big difference. Attacks, condemnations of character, name calling, are not effective ways of giving feedback. Blame is not the goal; learning is. When giving feedback, consider what it is you would like the listener to understand and learn; what is the behavior that you would like for them to change? If it’s a valuable lesson, and you can present it with learning in mind – finding a solution rather than casting blame – then your feedback is more likely to be heard and valued.

So let’s say you receive negative feedback – there is something you did that needs improvement or was the wrong move – and it does not come in the form of an attack or with the intent to cast blame. How do you respond?

If you tend to reject it, chances are you are operating, in that particular area at least, within a fixed trait mindset. If you can identify this, that is very good news; because you can change it! By understanding that this is a fixed trait mindset, you can choose to change it toward a growth mindset. Look for your assumptions about yourself that are fixed and immoveable, and dispute them.

Sometimes this is all it takes. (See, You Are Not What You Are, You Are What You Do for more details)

Now for an even trickier challenge: pay attention to how you give yourself feedback, and how you take it.

When you see that you’ve done something wrong, or make a mistake, or you’ve forgotten to do something, how do you treat yourself? Are you harsh and attacking ("You idiot!")? Do you make negative generalizations about yourself ("You can never get this right!")? Or do you look for what you have to learn, and keep your focus on how to solve the problem?

If you’re calling yourself names, or generalizing, then you’re not going to get anywhere. You’ll just feel bad, and you’re likely to do the same thing again, and call yourself names and generalize again, and you’ll try to avoid the whole issue if you can, making your possibilities contract.

If you’re looking for what you have to learn, and you keep your focus on how to solve the problem, then you’re likely to see the situation and your role in it clearly; and you’re also more likely to actually solve the problem. This is an expansive cycle that leads to learning and growth, and an expansion of possibilities.

Pay attention to how you give and receive feedback from others. It will tell you a lot about what you can do to improve your life. But the person you live with constantly, whose assessment you are continually exposed to, and who has the greatest impact on your thoughts, actions, and feelings, is yourself.

Do what you can to earn a good reputation with yourself; it’s the reputation that matters most.

Enter the New Year with the tools to develop new habits for a fantastic year; join me for an exciting new Mastering Happiness Teleclass!

We make News Year’s Resolutions, and then form most of us we end up making very little headway toward actually establishing them. There are reasons for this, and in this class you will learn practical, effective tools for setting fresh and inspiring goals that will take us toward a more meaningful and satisfying life – not imaginary, wishful thinking, but real, down to earth skills for mastering your own habits, and your own happiness.

And, most important, you will learn how to achieve those goals!

In this class, you will not only learn principles of living a happier life, you will learn how to set and fulfill your goals, how to practice what you do to achieve excellence, and how to effectively use your willpower and mindsets to create a more effective life.

Cost is $395. The class will be interactive, with homework and handouts to supplement the learning and takeaways. E-mail me at [email protected]  to sign up. There is a sign up page at my website, drjoelwade.com.

The teleclass will be taped and available for the class if there is an absence.

Class is limited to fifteen participants. The 90-minute teleclass will be held on four consecutive weeks:

FEBRUARY/MARCH TUESDAY EVENING CLASSES

• Tuesday, Feb. 19th at 5 pm PST (8 pm EST)
• Tuesday, Feb. 26^th at 5 pm PST
• Tuesday, March. 5th at 5 pm PST
• Tuesday, March. 12th at 5 pm PST