THE ANNA NICOLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

The only TV news I watch is Fox.  CBS has that blonde airhead, ABC/NBC have nonentities, and CNN is the English translation of Al Jazeera.  But lately I can't even watch Fox, for the only news it seems to cover is the ersatz drama about a bimbo with giant mariachis.

No doubt that giant mariachis are among the most wondrous creations in the known universe – but endless discussion of the deceased possessor of two of them is not news.  At least, not any longer.  Shouting, "Enough already!", I either click the off button on the remote, or go in search of a CSI rerun or John Wayne movie.

Pretty soon, of course, viewers will get bored with the Anna Nicole story and move on to some other silliness.  So let's do a thought experiment.  Suppose, just suppose, that Fox doesn't let up, keeps featuring the story, dissecting every detail, comes up with new revelations, month after month after month after month.

Now suppose all other news outlets do the same.  For months, stretching on into the interminable future.  Would you go (a) out of your mind, or (b) no longer pay attention to nor have any interest in the news altogether?

Welcome to the Anna Nicole Presidential Campaign – with no giant mariachis.

Starting tomorrow, February 23, 2007, we have 621 days to election day, November 4, 2008 (remember that 2008 is a leap year).  621 days!  That's over 20 months!  Day in, day out, every day without let up we're going to tortured with news about Hillary and Obama.  Think you can handle it?  Think America can handle it?

Let's face it – no one would care about Anna Nicole if she were flat-chested.  There would be no 24/7 breathless news coverage about a flat-chested Anna Nicole who is pushing 60 and looks it, has thunder thighs, a grating chalk-on-the-blackboard voice, the charm of a barracuda and a smile of ice.

We should not begrudge the moment of gleeful gloating Republicans are enjoying right now watching the latest Hillary-Obama catfight.  Hollywood Hyperlibs like David Geffen who once backed her husband are backing off from Hillary as they are worried there's no way she can win.

So they're going for Gumby – all a-twitter over a political lightweight whose only asset is that he's half-black.  For let's face it again – no one would care about Obama if he were all white.

Last month, we discussed how these two would trash each other in ObamaTruth, HillaryTruth.  Last week, we discussed the lightness of the entire Democrat presidential field in Lightweight Jackasses.

Here's the heads up for this week.  Neither Hillary nor Obama is going to get their party's nomination.  The New Hampshire primary is 11 months away (1/22/08) and Americans are going be terminally tired and bored of them way before then. 

Gumby will flame out first, so amateurishly lightweight his candidacy will float off into the ether.  Suddenly we'll have a feverish search for an alternative to The PIAPS.  If I had to bet, it would be on either Biden or Vilsak (Iowa governor Tom Vilsak). 

But that's just a guess.  What's not a guess is that once The Obamarama is history, Dems will be desperate to find an antidote to the poison of Mrs. Bill Clinton.  Once the choice has been made – if we're lucky they'll pick the dumbest of the litter, Bill Richardson – then he'll get the full media nine yards, Time/Newsweek covers, gushing New York Times editorials, the works.

Then Hillary will focus on castrating this new Anti-Hillary, but it won't work.  Once the Dem power-brokers convince themselves they've got someone who can win in '08, Hillary will be history herself.  Those same media nine yards will target her.

After that, her campaign will be just as dead as… well, let's not go there.  Let's just hope that both Hillary's presidential aspirations and Anna Nicole receive a decent burial.