WHAT IF ALLAH WAS JEWISH?

People are always telling me, “Hey, Allah, you should write another book. All the books you’ve written before were very popular; I’m not sure if anyone actually read the whole megillah, but everyone has to have one.”

It’s not like I’m out to make some gelt, though, and I thought I already wrote everything I need to say. Plus, it’s not like I have the time to write; if you could even understand how much I have to do each day, you’d plotz.

Still, I thought it would be a real good chochmeh to write a column to go over a few points since so many people seem to have some facacta ideas these days.

So, the other day, I’m watching over things, and everything is going well until some deli gets blown up. And I’m all ferklempt. What’s happening here? Some poor schlemazel stops in for a nosh and he gets blown up for that?

And the Palestinian noodniks are kvelling over this? Oy! So the schmendrick responsible blew himself up too, and he’s smiling like it’s some real koontz he just did. So I ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

And know what he says? He says he thought I wanted this. Oy Gevalt! So I ask him what meshungina told him I wanted all this tumul. He tells me, “Mohammed.”

Mohammed! Like that’s some help. There are so many Mohammeds these days that even I have trouble keeping track. I need this like I need a loch in the kopp.  So I tell him to draw me picture of this particular Mohammed so I know exactly what schlemiel we’re talking about.

And he says no! Can you believe that chutzpah? The One True God asks him for a little doodle, and he says no. Then I finally realize what Mohammed he’s talking about, the one with the real pisk on him.

Oy Veyzmir! I warned that groyse macher when he wrote his Koran to be careful, because people are going to take that thing seriously. But did he listen?

Now all these people are running around with these cacamaimey ideas that they can get 72 virgins by blowing themselves up on buses. What? Are they so furblungit they think I have the playboy mansion up here?

That I’m going to say to them, “Mazel tov on blowing up that preschool. Now here are some shikses for you to fool around with.”

I don’t want to kibbutz, but some of these Moslem boychiks seem a bit sexually frustrated. What these nebbishes need to do is change out of those shmatas their wearing, clean the schmootz off their faces, not act like some chazzer, and meet some gezuntah moyyd.

They have to get over this killing everybody idea, because that is not going to impress the women if that’s what they want.

Now, these Moslems can be some nice people. They pray five times a day, and I’m always telling people, “Hey, you need to pray more. And, while you’re at it, call your mother. She wants to hear from you too.”

I don’t quite get the facing Mecca part, but you have to face something, I guess. Just remember who you’re praying to.  Mecca may have its own McDonalds, but it didn’t create the universe.

Anyway, I’d rather some of these Moslem noodniks focus a bit less on the praying and a bit more on the not killing. It’s not only bad for those involved, but it’s certainly not making me look good.

What’s this shtick about blowing up some nice people and then shouting, “Allah ackbar!”? Hok me a chinik!

Yeah, I know I’m great, but know who’s not so great? You schmucks. So enough with the blowing people up already.

Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.