CASABLANCA ON THE POTOMAC

Here’s a difficult question: Would you spend $80 to make $1000?

OK – would you spend $80 million to make $1 billion? If you did so, would you then claim you were ripped off?

You would if you were Jack Abramoff’s Indian tribe clients.

Everyone in America has now heard of the “infamous super-lobbyist” Jack Abramoff. You’ve heard all about him, but let me assure you that you know very, very little about him – because the Democrat media wants it that way.

So let me tell you an illustrative story about him.

Jack grew up in Beverly Hills. One day in 1984, he was visiting home from law school and went over to the Beverly Hills Men’s Club gym to work out. He hadn’t been there in some time, and didn’t know in the intervening years it had become a haven of gender-challenged men. But he did notice that everyone in the place was unfriendly and giving him strange looks. Then he looked in the mirror and remembered he had put on his favorite t-shirt.

In large red letters across the front, the t-shirt said: “I’d Rather Be Killing Communists.”

Now you see why the Democrats demonize him.

Jack’s “crime” was to get billionaire Indian tribes to shovel money into Republican campaigns and coffers. For the Dems to be shocked at this is more laughable than the famous Claude Rains scene in Casablanca, where he declares himself shocked to learn there is gambling in Rick’s Café and is then given his winnings.

“I’m shocked – shocked! – to learn there is lobbying going on here!”

Still more laughable is the claim – made even by some pencil-necked Republicans – that Abramoff took advantage of the poor exploited Indians, just like the terrible white man has always done. Folks, these so-called “tribes” of so-called “Indians” with 1/256^th Indian blood in them are raking in billions in their casinos. To say Jack Abramoff ripped them off is a pathetic joke. The Indians are ripping off America.

But that’s another story. (Although, given that I’m 1/128^th Indian – my mother’s great-great-great-great-grandmother born around 1690 was full blood Cherokee, I’m told I could start a rip-off casino of my own.) The story here is that Abramoff did nothing different than standard K Street business, albeit on a larger scale, and if truth be known, far more honestly than his K Street brethren.

Jack Abramoff has been my friend for over 20 years. How can you not love a guy whose favorite shirt says I’d Rather Be Killing Communists? It’s sad that I’m one of the few people in town who still calls him a friend and is happy to have lunch with him. While we always talk politics and issues like security for Israel, and I’ve never done any business with him, I’ve always known Jack to be a man of scrupulous honesty and integrity.

It is a farcical tragedy that he faces years behind bars and torn from his wife and children whom he loves so dearly because Democrats have demonized him. They think that prosecutors can squeeze Jack into a plea bargain where he’ll squeal on all sorts of payoffs to Republicans in Congress, using him to criminalize their opponents.

It’s such a clear demonstration of how Democrats have become Fascists. There are three problems, however, with their plot.

First, Jack is not likely to plea bargain. He might, given the prosecutorial tyranny folks indicted face now. The trick is to indict you on some vast number of counts, any one of which given “mandatory minimum sentencing requirements” can put you in the slammer for years. This threatens you with 20 years or more if found guilty on multiple counts, ruining your one life. So you plead guilty to one or two and get away with only 5 years, providing you “cooperate” with the prosecutors and help them gain further indictments on other poor schmucks they want to notch on their belts.

Second, Jack has little to squeal about. He really didn’t bribe Tom DeLay like Mitchell Wade bribed Randy Cunningham (see Crooks in Congress and CIA Rogue Weasels). They really can’t use him to get at powerful Congressional Republicans.

Third, Jack was canny enough to put powerful Democrats like Senators Byron Dorgan of North Dakota and Harry Reid of Nevada on the Indian Tribes’ payroll. They are painted with the same Abramoff brush as any targeted Republican.

Once the Dems figure out the “Abramoff Scandal” could upset their apple cart and not just the Republicans’, threaten their lobbying gravy train, not just Republicans’, threaten some of them with jail, not just Republicans, they are going to suffocate this scandal with a pillow.

Then they’ll be off in search of other conservatives to criminalize – and the lobbying gravy train will roll on unimpeded in Casablanca on the Potomac.