MOSQUE CLEANING

One problem our troops in Iraq have is the guerrillas using mosques as weapons store rooms and armed sanctuaries from which they can attack us with impunity. This is a favorite tactic of Muqtada al-Sadr and his “Mahdi” rebels, who have shamed and insulted the world’s Shia community by turning its most sacred shrine, the golden-domed Imam Ali Mosque into an armory.

The fat little bearded thug thinks he is safe in the mosque, for were we to storm the mosque risking its destruction, it could cause the Shia uprising he dreams of. What he doesn’t know is that we could quickly cleanse the mosque of him and his murderous riffraff without firing a shot.

Part of the firefighting equipment we have in Iraq are 10,000-gallon tanker trucks filled with liquid CO2. After creating a diversion attack near the opposite side of the mosque in pre-dawn darkness, pull up one of these tankers next to the mosque’s sewer outlet. Attach a pipe fitting to the outlet, connect a hose from the tanker, and pump the liquid CO2 into the mosque through the toilet and faucet drain pipes.

You know you can’t hold your breath long enough to turn blue, right? It’s not because you run out of oxygen. It’s because of the buildup of excess CO2. There is a sensor in your brain that forces you to breathe if the buildup of excess CO2 reaches 1%. Should it reach 10%, you will die in minutes. Thus way, way before any damage much less demise is achieved, you are breathing no matter how much you try not to.

But what if you are trying to breathe and your brain is telling you that you’re still suffocating to death? You’re going to move fast out of the area where you can’t breathe. Fill up the Imam Ali Mosque with CO2 and every terrorist-thug occupant inside will be outside gasping and easily capturable within minutes.

Perfectly legal and humane. No one can claim abuse or that CO2 – carbon dioxide, the gas in soda pop – is a poison. It’s the easiest and safest way to clean the scum out of a mosque.