The French In Afghanistan

At a press conference in Kabul, Afghanistan on February 12, French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin announced that France will be “increasing its military participation in the international security force” in the war-stricken country. A NATO army unit called Eurocorps, composed by France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, and Luxembourg, will be deployed in Afghanistan by August. “We want to do more,” Villepin declared. “We want Eurocorps to take the lead.”

This was the wire story carried by AP. What was not disclosed is the particular nature of France’s participation. While other countries will be providing soldiers for Eurocorps in Afghanistan, France will be providing intellectuals.

To The Point has learned from a top-secret source in England, Michael Kelly (www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk), that M. de Villepin plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or “Black Berets,” will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris’s Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafès at strategic points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man’s lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers’ ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, interviewed by Mr. Kelly, spoke of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, “The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it! Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking!”

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man’s nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, Human Rights Watch has learned of the operation and has condemned it as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens’ endless Gitanes cigarettes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

When told of the objections by humanitarian agencies to the plan, M. de Villepin brushed them aside. “We are certain,” the French diplomat declared, “that the Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade will make a positive contribution to the security of the people of Afghanistan, by teaching them about the essence of French culture.”

Yes, it is reassuring to know that we can depend on France to be our staunch allies in the War on Terrorism.